Frailest Flower
by lionesseyes13
Summary: A collection of snippets in which Petunia reflects on her powerful, contradictory emotions for her sister, that come together to form a larger, chronological story of Petunia's life.


Reviews: Reviews are always appreciated, and they are all the salary this poor college student gets, so please be generous.

Frailest Flower

**Fear**: From the instant that Mummy rubbed Petunia's hand against her balloon of a belly and told Petunia that she would be a big sister come the end of January, Petunia had been afraid. She knew Mummy and Daddy loved her very much because she was their baby, but if they had a new baby, she was scared that the new baby would replace her. Her parents' love wasn't big enough to share with anyone. When Mummy returned from the hospital with a pink bundle in her arms, Petunia's terror mounted. Lily's eyes were brighter than hers, and Lily's hair was a vibrant red that outshone Petunia's dull blonde locks in the same way that the sun put the moon and stars to shame. Everyone, including their parents, would prefer Lily to Petunia, because Lily was the prettier, younger sister. Tiny tears turned into a tidal wave deep inside her chest.

**Responsibility**: In the hopes of keeping some measure of her parents' love, Petunia became very responsible. She helped her mother in the kitchen as much as she could, kept her bedroom clean, and put all her toys back in the chest once she was done playing with them. When Mummy suggested that she be a nice big sister and play with Lily, Petunia hadn't known how to refuse.

**Love**: Soon, it shocked Petunia how much she loved being responsible for her little sister. Before she knew it, nothing pleased her more than shaking a rattle and watching Lily's hands stretch out in futile attempts to snatch it. Later on, she would squeal with delight along with their mother when her little sister took her first wobbly steps, and she would shed tears of pleasure when Lily's second words were not "Dada," but "Tuney." At the time, she thought that she had overcome her envy. Only later would she learn that her jealousy had merely lain dormant inside her, waiting for the right moment to explode like a volcano hidden under the surface of a placid ocean.

**Awe**: Ever since she was able to walk and talk, Lily had been special. She had a far more active imagination than Petunia. However, Petunia didn't resent Lily for this because Lily always found a way to transport her older sister with her on her wild flights of fantasy. Petunia only wished that she could make flowers open and close for her like Lily did. Petunia knew that what her sister did was all deception and optical illusion, but it still filled her with awe, since Petunia could never spot the secret behind any of Lily's little stunts. What Lily did looked like magic, and, no matter how much Petunia scoffed that there was no such thing as magic when Mummy read her and Lily bedtime stories, Petunia liked magic. More than that, she wished that she was magical. Magical people could be whatever they wanted and do whatever they chose, unlike Petunia.

**Protection: **When Lily was little, Petunia had tried to protect her younger sister. It was Petunia who warned her not to jump from swings and who told her not to associate with people from the poorer areas in the village. However, in the end, it had been her little sister who had to protect her from the cruelty of that Snape boy. Lily's protection should have made Petunia love her all the more, but it didn't. In fact, Lily's protection caused an anger to simmer deep inside Petunia in a portion of her heart so buried that she didn't even identify the resentment at the time. Lily had stolen Petunia's one strength: responsibility. Now Lily had everything, and Petunia truly had nothing.

**Admiration**: Nobody would ever know that when Lily was invited to attend a school called Hogwarts where she would learn to hone her magic by a serious woman with her hair drawn back in a tight bun who introduced herself as Professor McGonagall that Petunia had been flooded with admiration for her sister and her abilities. She didn't cry and pour praise on Lily the way her parents did. Instead, she planned the best present of all—a way for the girls to attend school together so they wouldn't be separated for so much of the year. That night, alone in her bedroom, Petunia wrote a neat note to Professor Dumbledore, the Hogwarts' Headmaster, and begged to be permitted to attend school with her sister. She mailed her letter in the morning.

**Heartbreak: **Most people's first experience with heartbreak came when a loved one perished or when their first serious relationship came to an end; Petunia's first experience came when Professor Dumbledore told her she couldn't come to Hogwarts with Lily. He had been gentle in his reply, but the rebuff still stung like a rattlesnake's bite, and venom filled Petunia. This venom she directed against Lily and against the magical world as a whole. If the magical world rejected her, then she would reject the magical world, starting with her sister. It filled her hollowness somewhat when she saw heartbreak on Lily's face when she called her a freak on Platform 9 ¾ before Lily went off to study things Petunia would never be permitted to comprehend.

**Jealousy: **Petunia always knew that she was a jealous individual. After all, when that awful Snape boy dragged Lily away to play with him, she was filled with envy. However, she only became aware of just how fiercely the flames of jealously could blaze inside her when she witnessed Lily turning teacups into rats and that sort of thing when she came home from school. Lily's powers were greater than Petunia's would ever be. That was why Lily's parents fawned over Lily for her good marks in a manner that they never did over Petunia's excellent grades. For that reason, Petunia swore to adore any child she had.

**Stubbornness: **Over the years, Lily tried to heal the rift between them. During her school years, she would return home for the holidays with boxes of Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans for her sister. Petunia would never except the gifts and hurled them into the garbage bin before Lily's wide, wounded green eyes. Then, when Lily graduated and was about to marry that Potter boy with his unruly black hair that she had brought home for Christmas dinner during her seventh year, she invited Petunia to serve as her maid of honor, even though Petunia had refused to invite Lily to her own wedding to Vernon earlier that year. Petunia even refused the opportunity to attend the wedding at all, deciding that the free food wasn't worth interacting with so many freaks. When their parents died a month later in a car crash, Petunia took a savage satisfaction in knowing that their funeral would be the last time that she would have to see her sister.

**Hatred**: Ever since Lily returned home from school and performed her stupid little magic tricks, Petunia had imagined that she hated her. However, she soon learned that hatred was nothing compared to the loathing that deluged her when she read Dumbledore's second letter to her and discovered that Lily was dead and her son was now to be cared for by Petunia and Vernon. As usual, Lily had gotten the last laugh on her. Lily would never offer her rich laugh again because she was dead, though. That thought combined with the bitter knowledge that once again she was being called on to be the responsible older sister was enough for her to accept Harry into her home.

**Grief**: Late at night, long after Privet Drive was silent and all the lights had been switched off at the Dursley house, Petunia often admitted to herself that she missed Lily and regretted not attending her sister's funeral, even if it would have been packed with the sort of freaks with whom Lily had been weird enough to enjoy socializing. Death had made Lily look like an angel, while life made Petunia appear to be a jealous, resentful monster. It wasn't fair that Lily had both purity and beauty, whereas Petunia had nothing but disgust for herself. Still, Petunia wished that she had responded to some of Lily's attempts to seal the breach between them. Then, she wouldn't despise herself so much.

**Guilt**: Whenever she gazed into Harry's eyes, which were heart-stoppingly similar to Lily's, Petunia was flooded with guilt. She knew that she should be treating her dead sister's child better, but she could never bring herself to do so. He was too much like his mother for her to do so, since the weak always resented the strong, and Petunia was among the weak, just as Lily and Harry were among the strong. That was why the last time she saw her nephew, when she was bursting to tell him that he was as brave and as kind as his mother, she had merely turned her back on him and walked away.


End file.
